Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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