you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
