I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
