So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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