Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
