I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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