If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
