how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
