I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
