My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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