i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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