I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
