peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
