It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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