The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize