There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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