im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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