Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
You can't special order awesome
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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