im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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