The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
