I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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