I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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