You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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