you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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