girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
