$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
