On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I could fuck to npr.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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