i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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