my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize