I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
