The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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