Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
