Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
