Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
