i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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