is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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