Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
