Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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