i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
