I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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