omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
