i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
