Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize