I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
whose ass print is on the piano?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
