life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there was a trapeze. enough said
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
