Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
high people should be assigned attendants
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
