Can i not drive my cunt home
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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