And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
