she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
