Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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