I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
