My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
