She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
