A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
