I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
where am i from again
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
