I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
