from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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